


in a city light

by enriant (enpleurs)



Category: VIXX
Genre: Actor AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 07:12:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8880781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enpleurs/pseuds/enriant
Summary: The lights shine bright, colourful, vibrant. They shimmer off windows, bright pinpricks of stars suspended miles away from the skies, brilliant even with the heavens curtained by clouds, brilliant even when the moon is full and round and the sun shines off it in its full blazing glory. The lights shine bright, and they are so brilliant they blind."What part are you playing, Jung Taekwoon?" Hakyeon asks. His eyes are a little too clear, and Taekwoon brushes his thumb against Hakyeon's lips, and it is answer enough.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pikasoos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pikasoos/gifts).



The lights shine bright, colourful, vibrant. They shimmer off windows, bright pinpricks of stars suspended miles away from the skies, brilliant even with the heavens curtained by clouds, brilliant even when the moon is full and round and the sun shines off it in its full blazing glory. 

The lights shine bright, and they are so brilliant they blind.

 

-

 

"He's annoying."

These are the words that Jung Taekwoon say when a reporter asks him what it's like, working with Cha Hakyeon, the darling of the media, the golden boy, the one with the charming smile and angel's heart. There is a brief hush of silence where even his manager stares at him. Taekwoon just shrugs. "He is," Taekwoon says.

"I'm annoying?" 

These are the words that Cha Hakyeon say when he finally catches up to Taekwoon in the bathroom of an airport.

Taekwoon looks at him, and his eyes glint in the fluorescent lights. 

"Yes," he says simply. "You talk too much."

They are in the bathroom of an airport, but there is no one around, and in the mirror, there is the reflection of Hakyeon yanking Taekwoon close by his tie, and no one is talking.

 

-

 

Hakyeon plays a handsome, earnest young cop.

Taekwoon plays a handsome, charming serial killer.

It's their first movie together, and given the barbs they keep throwing at each other in the media, there's speculation that it will be their last.

And yet, the directors praise their chemistry, note their professionalism on set despite their cold personal interactions once the cameras stop rolling, and the movie is a success.

There is no longer speculation that this will be their last movie together, and neither of them rule out the possibility

For some reason, this makes the girls go wild.

 

-

 

 

July in Italy is hot and the sun is searing and Hakyeon swallows down a retort at yet another comment about how he'll soon be so dark he'll blend into the night when it comes, and he smiles and he laughs and he throws in just the right amount of self deprecation that means he'll get to hear the same joke again and again. 

July in Italy is hot and Taekwoon is sweating through his shirt, white and crisp and now sticky and damp. He's forgotten what he's supposed to be selling, but it doesn't matter when all he has to do is put on a suit and lean against a pillar and stare at the camera like it's a girl who he wants to fuck. He's never been quite sure what that means, but it doesn't matter when they call it a wrap, satisfied with the shoot, and tell Taekwoon that he's free to enjoy the city.

It isn't so much a city as a tiny town in the middle of nowhere, and Hakyeon is exhausted by the time they wrap up filming for the day. There are rolling hills and the scenery is beautiful and the sun is setting against the horizon and the world has turned golden. 

"I was in the area."

Hakyeon glances up, a shadow falling over him, tall and striking and dark against the sun.

"How did you know where I was?"

Taekwoon shrugs. "I asked," he says, and Hakyeon supposes he'd found Jaehwan again, although how Taekwoon got his manager's number is still a mystery to Hakyeon. After all, Hakyeon still maintains that Jaehwan is the annoying one, and him and Taekwoon had gotten along as well as two kindergarteners that hadn't learned how to share.

"Were you actually in the area?" Hakyeon asks, and there's a slight stiffening in Taekwoon's shoulders before he sits down next to Hakyeon, their backs to the sun, the sky a darkening pink.

"I was in the country," Taekwoon says, and that's answer enough for Hakyeon.

"I have another morning shoot tomorrow," Hakyeon says—discretion has never been Taekwoon's strong suit, and two shadows become one and Taekwoon still smells like sweat and exhaustion lingers against Hakyeon's skin and the sun continues to set behind them.

"But you don't tomorrow night," Taekwoon murmurs. "I'll be in Venice."

It is dark, and there are stars in the sky, but it isn't enough to show the flicker of a smile on Hakyeon's face, but it's just enough to highlight the slope of Taekwoon's shoulders as he disappears into the night.

 

-

 

They meet in a café, and the young cop is charmed by the man behind the counter. He is a refuge, a safe harbour, and Hakyeon's beacon in the night.

The story goes: there is a cop, and there is a serial killer, and the cop is on the case, chasing clues, and he is close, so close. The perp is cocky, confident, and he is so close. There is a serial killer, and he finds himself drawn to this earnest young cop, and he becomes close to him, and he learns who he is—there is a certain thrill in leading him on a hunt, but justice always prevails, there is a confrontation, and the cop becomes the killer, and the killer is dead.

It's a good movie, but the secret is, Taekwoon already knows who Hakyeon is. And the thing is, Taekwoon doesn't need to cut out anyone's heart, because he's already carved out the one that matters the most.

 

-

 

"You're even taller in person."

These are the words Cha Hakyeon says the first time he meets Taekwoon, and he accompanies it with a disarming smile.

Taekwoon only stares at him—later, Hakyeon will learn that he was trying to come up with something to say. At the time, Hakyeon finds it a little rude—at the time, Hakyeon decides that this newbie is an interesting man.

 

-

 

"You know why they say actors go crazy?"

"I think you're already crazy."

"Do you now?" and there's a hint of danger in those words that he snorts at.

"Mm." A pause. He'll indulge him. "Who are you?"

"It's hard to say, isn't it? We leave pieces of ourselves behind in exchange for all of this." A sweeping gesture to encompass the world. Their world. "And then when we pick those pieces back up, some of the pieces weren't ours to begin with."

"What pieces do you think I'm made of?"

Another pause, a dark pause.

"Only the good ones," Hakyeon says, but Taekwoon's never sure if he can believe him.

 

-

 

Taekwoon has never been quiet to be cold.

He has always been proud on the stage, loud and open and spilling over with his very essence. It is his refuge, his safe harbour, his beacon in the night.

But nothing good lasts, and when he's told he either needs to stop singing or he'll lose his voice, Taekwoon finds himself adrift. 

"Have you ever thought of acting?" someone asks, and Taekwoon can't quite say no, and this is when he learns that unless he has a script, he doesn't know what to say.

 

-

 

Hakyeon has always loved to perform. 

There's something heady, giddy, powerful about it. Of perfecting every motion, every quirk, every stroke of the brush he leaves on life, of making people respond, of making people feel, of making people do what he wants. He starts in dance, and then he does theater, and then they're looking for talented, young, untested actors—the rest is history.

 

-

 

"He can be difficult to work with," Hakyeon admits to the reporters.

His words are taken out of context, but it only amuses Taekwoon, even as Hakyeon is genuinely contrite.

"Were you lying?" Taekwoon asks.

Hakyeon shifts, turns, and Taekwoon is forced to loosen his grip around Hakyeon, roll onto his back, once crisp hotel sheets now loose and damp against his skin.

"You can be distracting to work with," Hakyeon says, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. 

"That is difficult," Taekwoon agrees.

"You are too smug for your own good," Hakyeon says, and Taekwoon laughs.

"I'm not the one you should say that to," Taekwoon says. Hakyeon's stopped moving, so Taekwoon takes it as his cue to sprawl over Hakyeon again, only this time, he props himself up on his elbows and catches Hakyeon's chin in his fingers so that Hakyeon's eyes are fixed on Taekwoon instead.

"I'm just smug enough," Hakyeon says.

"You talk too much," Taekwoon says. The curtains are drawn but the lights are on, and their shadows cast a silent montage for the city, subdued and anonymous, yet for anyone to see.

 

-

 

In their second movie together, they are rivals in love.

Taekwoon gets the girl, and Hakyeon suffers from second male lead syndrome, and afterwards, Hakyeon kisses the taste of the girl off Taekwoon's lips—Hakyeon has never wanted the girl anyway.

 

-

 

"You smoke."

Hakyeon says this with a bit too much surprise in his voice, and Taekwoon glances at him.

The fire escape, deep night, the city laid out below and all the clichés it implies. They are both dressed impeccably in well tailored suits, and behind them is a celebration party for Hakyeon's latest drama. Taekwoon isn't quite sure how he ended up attending, but he is, and so here is, breathing in the city lights.

"Yeah," Taekwoon says, because there isn't much else to say, and because right now, there is too much noise for his silence to resonate.

"But you sing," Hakyeon says, and his words are soft, hesitant.

"You can't break what's broken," Taekwoon says, and no trace of bitterness remains.

"No," Hakyeon says to the night, "but how do you know if something's too broken to be fixed?"

 

-

 

Taekwoon's first role is as a kindergarten teacher in a drama that was supposed to be too small to be noticed—but noticed it is, and Taekwoon is handsome, small role as he played, and life has always been steered by fate.

Hakyeon falls a little in love with that smile. But then he meets him for the first time, and that's when Hakyeon remembers they are all actors, after all.

 

-

 

"Taekwoonie."

"Mm?"

"Was it me you fell in love with? Or was it who you thought I was?"

"They're not the same?"

"We are actors, after all."

A long pause of several heartbeats, before: "how do you know I fell in love?"

"I guess I don't."

 

-

 

Hakyeon's never understood the concept of a mile-high club—those airplane bathrooms are too damn tiny. Taekwoon tells him it's because his legs are too long. Hakyeon says he's one to talk—Taekwoon's hand sneaks a bit too close to the inside of Hakyeon's thigh.

They're staying in the same hotel for the film festival—the bathroom in Taekwoon's room is far larger than a plane's, and there are even candles. Hakyeon's the one who brought them—he says it's for the mood. Taekwoon tells him that if he keeps that up, Hakyeon had better be in the mood to fuck himself.

In the end, Taekwoon fucks Hakyeon in the shower, and Hakyeon still gets his way with the candles.

 

-

 

"It'd be nice to be an idol," Hakyeon says.

Taekwoon glances at him over his glass of soju. They're sitting on the floor of Hakyeon's living room, and Taekwoon prods Hakyeon with a socked foot.

"Why? It looks annoying."

Hakyeon laughs, soft and breathy. "Dancing, singing—so many are actors too. I think I'd be good at it—don't you?"

Taekwoon nods at that. "It seems tiring," he says, ignoring the second part of Hakyeon's question. He thinks about Eunji who'd had to rush to music shows after takes, when the rest of them could finally rest. He thinks about Yixing who seems to live in airports, flying to China to film his next movie, and then back to Korea the next day for a concert.

"But it would be fun," Hakyeon says, and then he sighs, because he knows as well as Taekwoon that the glamour of the lights is just that.

It's far later in the night, when they are lying side by side on the floor, and Taekwoon is rubbing circles against the inside of Hakyeon's wrist with his thumb that he says: "all idols are actors—but the cameras never stop."

"Do the cameras ever stop?"

Taekwoon rolls Hakyeon towards him, and kisses him as if to make a point.

 

-

 

Their third project together is a drama, and neither of them can remember the last time they wore school uniforms.

"I never finished high school," Hakyeon admits. Taekwoon simply nods as he sits on a desk, legs too long to kick idly. They're between takes, and it's a scene with just the two of them, the usually full classroom strangely empty.

"You didn't miss much," Taekwoon says.

Hakyeon laughs, and makes a gesture to encompass the entire set. "Did I? It seems too fun to have missed."

"Life isn't like the dramas," Taekwoon says. "I thought you more than anyone would know that."

"No," Hakyeon says quietly, glancing at Taekwoon and then glancing away just as quickly. "Life is a drama, only we're the ones writing the script."

 

-

 

There is a scene where Taekwoon's character hits Hakyeon's character, and Hakyeon's character doesn't fight back.

There's another scene where a group of guys from their characters' old high school beats up Taekwoon's character—Hakyeon's character saves him, even though he'd sworn to never fight again.

They're praised for their chemistry, for their performance, and Hakyeon finds several comments about the two of them online that shouldn't be repeated in polite company.

The cameras never stop rolling, but you learn that there are ways to hide from them. The drama they act out in the darkness of Hakyeon's bedroom is eerily similar to the script of those words Hakyeon reads online, only this is a drama for just the two of them.

 

-

 

"I'm a little jealous of Jung Taekwoon-ssi—I'd like to try playing the bad guy too," Hakyeon says during a press conference, and a few hours later, he gets a video call from Taekwoon.

"What's wrong with playing the good guy?" Taekwoon asks. It's early morning wherever he is, and Taekwoon doesn't seem quite awake yet, hands wrapped around a mug of what Hakyeon guesses is coffee.

"Nothing," Hakyeon says, "it just gets boring after a while."

"Why?"

Hakyeon pauses, glances away from Taekwoon's eyes through the screen, out the window to the city night with its lights and its multitudes in life. "Don't you ever get tired of doing the right thing all the time?"

Taekwoon pauses, stares at Hakyeon, eyes boring holes across countries, through the screen. "There's too much good in you for that," Taekwoon says softly.

"And there isn't in you?" Hakyeon asks.

Taekwoon stiffens, looks away, somewhere over the camera to whatever scene he sees, wherever he is. Hakyeon doesn't know. Hakyeon should ask. Or Hakyeon could go on Naver, but it almost seems like the wrong thing to do.

"We're actors," Taekwoon says quietly.

Hakyeon laughs softly. "And this is all pretend."

 

-

 

"He's very talented," Hakyeon says about Jung Taekwoon in an interview during the middle of that first movie they filmed together.

In that interview, he wears a cream coloured sweater vest and neatly pressed slacks, and he's photographed in a garden at the height of summer. In one picture, he's crouched down, fingers just a hair's breadth away from a flower's pale pink petals.

"What is he like to work with?" the interviewer asks.

Hakyeon smiles, lips a little tight. "He's good to act against," he says. "I think we both match our characters well."

 

-

 

The next time they see each other after that particular interview is published, Taekwoon drags Hakyeon into a closet, and shows him exactly how well their characters match.

Hakyeon decides that he rather likes this game. And Taekwoon has never been good at losing.

 

-

 

It's a month or so after they finish filming their drama that someone catches sight of them together when they're in Japan. It's a quiet neighbourhood on the outskirts of Hiroshima, and it's the first time Taekwoon's seen Hakyeon since the wrap up party. 

"Aren't you glad we're not idols?" Taekwoon asks afterwards. Hakyeon laughs, a little too breathy and thin.

"I'm glad it's you," Hakyeon says, and Taekwoon squints at him, but Hakyeon merely shrugs and Taekwoon still doesn't know what he means.

 

-

 

Summer in Seoul is hot, and Taekwoon is hot, and Hakyeon is hot, and it's the fourth, fifth, tenth take and something is missing, and Taekwoon can feel his temper growing short. They'd practiced the script, him and Hakyeon—it's a scene, just the two of them, but the words don't seem _right_.

"You think you can run away from your past?" Taekwoon's fists are balled by his side, and a bruise has been painted onto the side of his jaw with make-up. Hakyeon isn't looking much better, hair mussed, fake blood on his cheek and hands. He's breathing hard, and whether it's because of how many damn takes they've had to do, or because it's hot even though night has fallen, or if it's because he's a good actor—it's likely a mix of them all.

"I'm not running," Hakyeon says, and his voice is a placid counter to Taekwoon's snarl, flashing with fire as it is. "I'm moving on."

"You're—"

"Aren't you the one hiding?" Hakyeon snaps, and this is not in the script, and Taekwoon is taken aback, but no one cuts the take, and Taekwoon's eyes meet Hakyeon's in bold challenge.

"From what?" Taekwoon says.

"Yourself—

Taekwoon scoffs. "Me? I'm hiding? Aren't you the one hiding behind a mask? Aren't you the one pretending to be someone you're not?"

"I'm being myself," Hakyeon says, and he takes an almost unconscious step forward as he says this, and his eyes bore into Taekwoon's. "People change—maybe there's more to me than you thought you knew."

"You say you've changed, and yet." Taekwoon makes a small gesture, indicating Hakyeon and himself, their past and their present.

"You've never been able to," Hakyeon says softly. "You've never been able to see beyond the obvious."

"That's you," Taekwoon says, but it's Hakyeon's turn to scoff.

"How long will you keep living like this? How long will you keep pretending to be the bad guy? Why can't you _see_." Hakyeon's voice rises, strengthens, and Taekwoon is nearly bent backwards by the force of it, but this is familiar, this is in the script, and Taekwoon steadies himself with it, braces himself with it.

"When you realise I'm not as good as you think I am," Taekwoon says. "When you realise you're not as good as you think you are!"

Hakyeon pauses, and it's as if something drains out of him. "Why do you think I think I'm good?" he asks, and Taekwoon can't meet Hakyeon's eyes, and it's not only because this is in the script.

 

-

 

This is the take they use in the final cut. It's a good take. It's a good scene. They have good chemistry together, they know their characters and each other so well that it's this ad-libbed scene that is the one that does it. 

Hakyeon also disappears for a month after filming wraps up. 

Taekwoon stays in Seoul, and pretends that he's holding down the fort.

 

-

 

"It's not as cold as I thought it would be."

"It's September."

"But it's _Canada_ ," Hakyeon whines, and Taekwoon gives him a flat look.

"It's September," he says again, and wraps his hands a little more firmly around his paper cup. His latte has largely cooled.

There are people around them, near them, not giving them even a passing glance as they sit on a bench. The roar of the falls is so ubiquitous that it no longer seems to exist. Lights dance on the water, and the fireworks have since subsided. It seems almost quiet.

A few stars can be seen in the sky, far more resplendent than in Seoul, than in any city, than in the star studded city from which they have escaped from, the one hosting the film festival which attracts big names from around the world.

It's Hakyeon who's supposed to be here—Taekwoon had decided he wanted a vacation. 

"Do you want it to be cold?" Taekwoon asks. He glances sideways at Hakyeon.

"I want it to be more different," Hakyeon says. 

"It is different," Taekwoon says.

"Is it?"

"Not everyone here speaks Korean," Taekwoon says, deadpan, and Hakyeon laughs, bright and clear.

"That's true," he says, "but it still doesn't feel very different."

"Most of the world doesn't feel very different," Taekwoon says. "It's only always little differences."

Hakyeon snorts. "That's because you just care about the food."

"Food is important," Taekwoon says, a little defensive. "The food is always different!"

"And that's a little difference?" Hakyeon asks, and it's a little snide. Taekwoon glares at him, but doesn't comment.

Silence falls, chatter fills the space in languages that neither Taekwoon nor Hakyeon can truly grasp. There's English—but it's too fast for either of them to understand. But there's other languages too, and they are both left adrift.

There are no cameras, and for a brief moment, Taekwoon lets his hand brush against Hakyeon's. He's not expecting Hakyeon to grasp his hand, firm, fingers interlaced. He also doesn't pull away.

The lights are bright against the falls, and the colours are painted in multitudes.

 

-

 

There's a scandal, because there's always a scandal.

Perhaps scandal is too strong a word, but there's a sense of disapproval, because it's Eunji, and she's in an idol girl group, and Taekwoon thinks it's ridiculous, but the netizens don't. But there's also a sense of acceptance, too many comments about how sweet it is, how lovely it is.

Taekwoon is filming a drama in China at the time. Hakyeon seems miserable when he video calls him.

"Have you spoken to Eunji lately?" Hakyeon asks, because Taekwoon's always been more of her friend. 

Taekwoon shakes his head, because Hakyeon's call is the first one he's taken—or made—since they started filming.

"Why do they think you're dating?" Taekwoon asks, and Hakyeon seems to hesitate, before he makes a face at that.

"The usual," Hakyeon says. "Matching jewelry, we've been out to eat a few times—you know we have that drama coming up right?—and there's a few pictures where it looks like we're holding hands…We're just friends."

Taekwoon nods. 

"She'll be okay," he says. He should say more, but he's tired, and half his lines are in Chinese and he needs to memorise them, sound by sound. A pause. "You'll be okay too."

Hakyeon laughs, a little hollow.

"This is all pretend," he says, echoing words they both still remember. "But we're not the ones pretending."

"You'll be okay," Taekwoon says, and then: "good night."

"Night," Hakyeon says, and Taekwoon feels guilty, but he hangs up anyway.

 

-

 

It isn't until weeks later, when Taekwoon emerges from weeks of filming, that he finds out that they're not just friends.

At least, not according to the media.

And not according to Hakyeon. 

"Congratulations," Taekwoon texts to Hakyeon. Three hours later, his door is ringing—Taekwoon hesitates, but he lets him in, even before he looks to see who it is.

"We're not," Hakyeon says, as soon as the door has closed. "It's just…"

If possible, he looks even more miserable now than he had on the video call. Taekwoon is dressed in a warm hoodie and sweatpants. Hakyeon is wearing jeans and a loose sweater.

"It's just what?" Taekwoon says, and he should let Hakyeon in, let him in properly, instead of where they are now, in the entryway to Taekwoon's apartment, and Hakyeon hasn't even taken off his shoes.

"Pretend," Hakyeon says, and his voice is quiet and he can't quite meet Taekwoon's eyes. "I was going to tell you but you didn't know and I didn't want to...I mean, you were filming and…"

"It's for your drama," Taekwoon says. Hakyeon nods. "Why didn't you say no?"

Hakyeon's lips tighten, and he still doesn't meet Taekwoon's eyes. "I didn't know how," he said.

Taekwoon scoffs. "You? Not knowing how?" 

"It's just acting! It's just...a different sort of acting," Hakyeon says, and he truly sounds miserable, but there's something beating in Taekwoon's chest that says he ought to care, but he can't muster it in him to care.

"And she's okay with it?" Taekwoon asks. Hakyeon swallows, and then nods, and then shakes his head.

"It's just acting," he says softly. "Both of us."

"It's lying."

"And what we do isn't?"

"It's different," Taekwoon says. "People _know_ we're acting—they know I'm not killing people, they know you didn't live in the 1300s, they don't know that you're not dating Eunji. They don't know it's just for _publicity_."

"Does it matter?" Hakyeon asks.

Taekwoon falls silent, looks away.

"Hakyeon," he says.

"What is it?"

"Then where does this leave us?"

His voice is small, so small, and Taekwoon hates it. He hates being so unsure, he hates being the one to be unsure, he hates that he's the one who's unable to let go.

Not even when Hakyeon presses him against the wall and kisses him, not even when Hakyeon fucks him gently on Taekwoon's bed, not even when Hakyeon clings to him like he'll never let go—

 _Where does this leave us?_

 

-

 

Taekwoon adopts a cat.

His manager is not pleased.

"Who's supposed to take care of it?" Sanghyuk asks.

"Me," Taekwoon says. He stares at her, where she's sleeping on the other side of the room, curled up near the window.

"You're not even here half the time," Sanghyuk points out.

"Then you take care of it," Taekwoon says. He misses when Sanghyuk was young and scared and let Taekwoon do almost whatever he wanted. That didn't last very long. Sanghyuk laughs drily. 

There's a part of Taekwoon that knows he wants her to be the answer to something—but most of Taekwoon knows that that's not how life works.

 

-

 

"Maybe I am crazy," Hakyeon says.

It's night, it's Hakyeon's apartment, and they've fucked, then slept, and then both drifted awake, followed with lazy kisses.

"Mmm," Taekwoon hums. He's still lying down. Hakyeon has propped himself up against the headboards.

"That's what you told me."

"Did I?"

"Yeah." A pause. "Maybe you were right."

"Mmm."

"Taekwoon, I…"

"Mmm?"

"Never mind. Maybe later," Hakyeon says, and there's a hesitation in those words that don't quite belong, but Taekwoon's too sleepy to notice. 

"Mmm. Sleep. Talking too much."

Hakyeon laughs a little at that, a soft laugh, and he reaches for Taekwoon's hand. "You know that I…" he trails off, the words unable to quite take shape.

"Mmm?"

"You're...you're important to me," Hakyeon settles for. The other words seem too trite, they seem not sincere enough, even if he were to pour his sincerity into them. Too overused, too easily said—in this moment, too difficult to say.

"Mmm."

Hakyeon laughs again, and brushes his fingers against Taekwoon's wrist. "Just sleep," he says.

"Mmm," Taekwoon grumbles, and Hakyeon's pretty sure it's something along the lines of 'that's what I said,' but then again, he's not sure if Taekwoon's been paying attention to a word of what he's been saying at all.

Maybe that's for the better. 

 

-

 

Autumn gives way to winter, and the snow is abnormally heavy this year. Taekwoon wakes up one day to the morning sun shining blinding against a tall drift of snow on the balcony, and he rubs his eyes and blinks as he stares out the window. He still hasn't settled on a name for the cat, bouncing between names like Flower and Coco and for all of five seconds in a strange bout of perverse pique, he contemplates naming her Hakyeon—instead, he calls her Kit, and it seems apt enough.

Winter brings with it Christmas, and there are streets strung with colourful lights, and streets filled with couples, and Taekwoon, uncharitably, wonders how many of them are truly happy.

He's not terribly busy, and when Sanghyuk shows up on his door one day, Taekwoon has no reason to suspect the world to shift under his feet.

"How's your voice?" Sanghyuk asks, and there's a rush of silence that fills Taekwoon's ears, a moment of numbness that tumbles through his heart.

"What do you mean?" Taekwoon asks, and his voice is too quiet. Sanghyuk shifts, looks past Taekwoon, and then looks at Taekwoon.

"I was approached," Sanghyuk begins, and then he clears his throat. "Can I come in?" he asks, and Taekwoon realises that they're still standing in the doorway of his apartment, and he nods.

Taekwoon gets Sanghyuk coffee, if only because he doesn't know what else to do, and the motions calm his shaking hands. Kit winds around Sanghyuk's legs, because she's become used to him, because some days, it's Sanghyuk who takes care of her, just like Taekwoon had said.

"A musical," Taekwoon says, and again, he says this too softly, and with not enough of a question.

He sits on the couch, and Sanghyuk sits on the couch beside him, each of them with a cup of coffee, and Sanghyuk nods.

"It's a small part," he says. "I said...I said you'd think about it."

Taekwoon isn't used to Sanghyuk being so unsure, isn't used to Sanghyuk not meeting his eyes, isn't used to Sanghyuk shifting almost nervously as he says these words.

"Should I think about it?" Taekwoon asks.

"You don't have anything coming up," Sanghyuk says, and then he pauses. When he speaks again, he's staring out the window where snow has turned into ice, and the afternoon sun is captured within the crystals. When he speaks again, there is far more conviction in his voice. "I think you should."

Taekwoon laughs, a little bitter. "I don't do that anymore," he says.

"But you _could_ ," Sanghyuk says, and he finally turns to Taekwoon again, and he's so young and so earnest and he has so much belief in the world. Light flashes in his eyes, and Taekwoon wonders what he sees in him.

"No," Taekwoon says firmly. "I'm different now."

"You're being stubborn, hyung," Sanghyuk says. "Why don't you at least try?"

"That's not who I am," Taekwoon says, and Sanghyuk's eyes are full of a disappointment that Taekwoon feels should belong to him.

 

-

 

Eunji and Hakyeon break up.

The snow has melted, spring buds have blossomed into bold petals, and the world is awash in green. The sun sets late and rises early and banishes the starless city night into a few hours of fitful rest.

Taekwoon buries himself at home through spring, for no other reason than exhaustion. He does his groceries, he tries new recipes, he ends up with three new coffee makers and one new grinder. 

He also builds up an admirable collection of cat toys, although the cat herself prefers lounging in the cat tree, while Taekwoon eventually gives up on tempting her to play.

There is a moment where the flash of cameras blind on a red carpet, and it is with the overlay of stars in his vision that he greets Hakyeon, and Hakyeon greets him back, and they are merely two coworkers who have worked well together, and who might share an approximation of friendship.

This too, Taekwoon thinks, is pretend.

 

-

 

"I think I'm drunk."

Taekwoon snorts. Hakyeon is sprawled out on the floor, cheeks pink, a lazy, content smile on his face.

"Yes, because you are," Taekwoon says.

"Why aren't you drunk," Hakyeon whines, and he shifts so that his head is pillowed in Taekwoon's lap instead, and Taekwoon doesn't have the heart to shove him off.

"Because I didn't drink as much as you did," Taekwoon says. Hakyeon makes a face.

"It's just once in a while," Hakyeon says, and it's definitely another whine. Taekwoon laughs a little, and brushes Hakyeon's hair from his face.

Hakyeon says nothing for a long while, simply stares up at Taekwoon, eyes blinking sleepily, languid.

"You're pretty," are his words when he finally speaks again. Taekwoon flushes.

"You are drunk," he says, and it's soft.

"Yes," Hakyeon says. He frowns. "I said that."

"You did," Taekwoon agrees. 

"I like watching you," is the next thing Hakyeon says. It's Taekwoon's turn to frown, but it's a soft frown, almost one of consternation. "I like watching you act."

"Do you?"

"Mmhmm. It's different. You've gotten better."

"That's a compliment?"

"Of course! You were so clumsy at first!"

Taekwoon flushes again, this time from his neck to his ears to his cheeks. "You watched that?" he asks, and Hakyeon nods.

"Of course," he says again. "Why do you think I fell in love with you?"

Taekwoon opens his mouth, then closes it. "You're drunk," he says again, and it's a little too soft, a little lacking in conviction.

"Maybe," Hakyeon says. He yawns, and it's cute. "I've wanted to tell you for a long time."

Taekwoon says nothing, because he has nothing to say—no, that's not true, unformed words swirl inside of him, but nothing seems to stick, nothing seems to clump, nothing seems to solidify enough to warrant being said at all.

"No one who can smile like that can be a bad person," Hakyeon says. He pauses. "Even if it's acting."

"It was my character, then," Taekwoon says, and there's a strange feeling in his chest, especially as Hakyeon nods.

"But then it was you," Hakyeon says. He pauses, blinks, smiles a little at Taekwoon. "What about you?"

"What about me?" Taekwoon asks, and part of him wishes he too, was drunk. This is not a conversation he thinks he can have right now. Not ever.

"Was it my character? Which one?"

Taekwoon smoothes down Hakyeon's fringe, even though it doesn't need it. His hand lingers several seconds too long, the back of his fingers brushed gentle against Hakyeon's flushed cheek. 

"This one," he finally says, and hopes that in the morning, Hakyeon will remember none of this

A small smile plays about Hakyeon's lips, as his eyes close for a brief moment. "That's right," he says, "we're all playing a part."

Taekwoon jerks a little at that, a shift, a small aborted motion as he looks down, meets Hakyeon's erstwhile eyes. 

"What part are you playing, Jung Taekwoon?" Hakyeon asks.

His eyes are a little too clear, and Taekwoon brushes his thumb against Hakyeon's lips, and it is answer enough.

 

-

 

The thing about light is that without light, it becomes impossible to see. Human eyes are not meant for seeing in the dark.

The thing about light is that with too much light, it becomes impossible to see. Starbursts blind, and after images are painted on the back of one's eyelids, superimposed over all the other images already captured there.

The thing about light is that it's impossible to tell if there's not enough or if there's too much, because both are such relative things that the scale depends on the observer, that the scale depends on what they want to see.

The thing about light is—

 

-

 

"I wish I could have seen you on stage," Hakyeon says once. It's a long time ago, long enough that they haven't yet mellowed out, that they're still throwing one for one, and it takes Taekwoon off guard.

"What?" is all he can stupidly say, and Hakyeon laughs, loud and clear and a little too mocking for Taekwoon's taste.

"Were you very different?" Hakyeon asks. "It's a very different sort of acting, isn't it?"

"Yes," Taekwoon says, and there's a strange pang through his chest.

"Was it better?" Hakyeon asks. "Was it more fun?"

Taekwoon frowns—a trick question, he thinks.

"I think you would've been more like you," Hakyeon says, and there's something in his voice that Taekwoon doesn't like at all, and he shoves him against the wall and there's no finesse in what he does, and Taekwoon can take comfort in that.

 

-

 

Summer in Seoul is hot, and the air conditioner breaks one day and Taekwoon lies sprawled on the floor with Kit an arms span away. She yawns, and stretches, and then curls up again in one of her endless naps.

The TV is on beside him, and the volume is on low, but the voice is too familiar for Taekwoon not to hear it, not to know it, no matter how soft it is.

"Ah, yes, it would be good to act with Jung Taekwoon-ssi again," Hakyeon says, and then he laughs a little. "I don't know if he thinks it would be good to act with me."

 

-

 

Taekwoon's voice holds.

He's a bundle of nerves, the first performance, like he's all of nineteen again, fresh and young and earnest and unguarded. 

It is still a small part, but it is still the stage, and there is a familiarity in it, a refuge, a safe harbour he never thought he could return to.

And at the end, with the lights still blinding in his eyes, just before they dim and the curtain falls, there is the image of a man with a too familiar face, somewhere in the fifth row.

 _But what would've been more like you?_ Taekwoon thinks—but the thought is lost in a swell of applause.

 

-

 

The lights shine bright, colourful, vibrant. They shimmer off windows, bright pinpricks of stars suspended miles away from the skies, brilliant even with the heavens curtained by clouds, brilliant even when the moon is full and round and the sun shines off it in its full blazing glory. 

The lights shine bright, and they are so brilliant that the stars that are surrounded by their glow can see neither in nor out, and they are so brilliant they blind.

**Author's Note:**

> this is likely not the actor au you anticipated, but i hope you could derive a modicum of enjoyment from it! happy holidays!
> 
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> 
> ty to chingu for dragging me through this and kicking my butt when i needed it as i rolled around agonising bc i didn't know what i was writing D: you have been an absolute life saver this entire exchange
> 
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> 
> also, yes, i may have had school 2013 in mind...also, serial killer!taek is apparently a theme of mine...many apologies.


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